Bureaucracy

BUREAUCRACY

The curtain open on a line of five chairs ranged across from stage left to stage right. They are close to each other. Separately, stage left, there is a desk with a chair behind it at a slight angle towards centre stage. There is a carafe of water, a glass and a telephone on the desk. Also on the desk is a pair of sunglasses similar to those which the receptionist will be seen to be wearing.

Characters.

The Receptionist. A glamorous woman of about 30.
George Caldwell. A middle-aged man married to Irena.
Irena Caldwell. A middle aged woman married to George.
William Ames. A man of indeterminate age.
Dotty Davenport. A young woman under thirty.
Jane Bradshaw. A mature woman.

The receptionist enters and sits. She checks her stuff. She is wearing large wrap-around sunglasses.

WILLIAM AMES enters and approaches the desk.
WILLIAM. Is this the Bureau for Environmental, Agricultural and Sustainability Testing?
RECEPTIONIST. Yes. May I help you sir?
WILLIAM. Well I’ve got an appointment here. I don’t know why, but that’s why I’m here.
RECEPTIONIST. And your name sir?
WILLIAM. Bill. Bill Ames.
RECEPTIONIST. Would that be William?
WILLIAM. Yes. What else could it be?
RECEPTIONIST. I’m afraid I can’t answer any questions. I have to leave that to the director.
WILLIAM. I didn’t ask you any questions.
RECEPTIONIST. You did, sir. You asked me whether Bill could be a shortened form of any other name. Anyway perhaps you’d like to take seat.
WILLIAM. [Muttering] This is completely stupid.
William takes a seat first in the line of five, closest to stage right.
SILENCE
The telephone rings. The RECEPTIONIST picks up the phone and listens.
RECEPTIONIST. Yes sir. Yes your glasses are here. [pause] Yes right away sir.
The RECEPTIONIST picks up the glasses, walks past William and through a door, stage right, closing it behind her. William watches the process suspiciously. After a few moments the door opens and the RECEPTIONIST comes out, closing the door behind her and returns to her desk. William watches the process again.
WILLIAM. OK.OK. So I suppose there’s no point in asking you what I’m doing here. I get this letter out of the blue, telling me to drop everything and get over here no matter what. I’m a busy man!
RECEPTIONIST. Really! But you’re right there is no point. Just be patient, you’ll be dealt with soon.
SILENCE.
There is a knock on the door.
RECEPTIONIST. Come in.
DOTTY DAVENPORT, a young woman, dressed in the modern style, enters and approaches the desk.
DOTTY. Is this the Bureau for Environmental Testing?
RECEPTIONIST. Actually it’s the Bureau for Environmental, Agricultural and Sustainability Testing.
WILLIAM. I though you couldn’t answer any questions!
RECEPTIONIST. I am allowed to answer that one. After all we have to start somewhere. [To Dotty] Can I help you madam?
DOTTY. Dotty Davenport.
RECEPTIONIST. And Dotty would be short for?
DOTTY. Dorothy.
RECEPTIONIST. Ok Dotty. Welcome. Please take a seat.
DOTTY sits in the first seat in the line closest to the receptionist.
SILENCE.
WILLIAM. [To DOTTY]Why didn’t you sit next to me? There’s only five seats. You’re next after me, so why didn’t you sit here.
DOTTY looks at William and then away.
WILLIAM. You’re all the same, you! All the same. Always sit as far away from me as you can. Cross the road when you see me coming. All the same, with your short skirts and you halter tops and your bra straps. Disgusting, that’s what it is. [Pause]
DOTTY. Shut up, you dirty old bastard!
WILLIAM. So you do speak then.
DOTTY. I don’t speak to men like you!
Before William can respond Jane Bradshaw enters and steps up to the desk.
JANE. Is this the….
RECEPTIONIST. Yes.
JANE. You didn’t let me finish.
RECEPTIONIST. I’m sorry madam. Please finish.
JANE. …Bureau for Environmental, Agricultural and Sustainability Testing?
RECEPTIONIST. Yes. Can I help you?
JANE. I’m Jane Bradshaw. I’ve got an appointment, but the letter did not say what for.
RECEPTIONIST. Welcome Miss Bradshaw. Please take a seat.
JANE. How do you know I’m not married?
WILLIAM. She’s not allowed to answer any questions.
JANE. [To Receptionist] Why not?
WILLIAM. She’s not allowed to tell you that either.
JANE. This is stupid.
RECEPTIONIST. Please take a seat Miss Bradshaw.
JANE takes the seat in the centre of the five.
WILLIAM. You’re another one. Sit as far away from me as you can. Make sure there’s a space between us. Ridiculous. I wouldn’t fancy you anyway.
JANE. You think a lot of yourself. I chose the middle seat because I like space around me if possible. If it isn’t possible then I put up with sitting next to other people.
The telephone rings and the RECEPTIONIST picks it up and listens.
RECEPTIONIST. No sir. There are still two to come…Yes sir, I’ll let you know.
WILLIAM. Listen to that. Still two to come. There’s some information. So you’ll have to sit next to some-one else some time.
JANE. I’ll put up with it. At least I won’t have to sit next to you.
SILENCE
GEORGE and IRENA Caldwell enter and approach the desk.
RECEPTIONIST. Ah good afternoon sir, good afternoon madam. You must be Mr and Mrs Caldwell. George Caldwell and Irena Caldwell nee Easton?
IRENA. Yes. Is this…
RECEPTIONIST. Yes.
WILLIAM. It would hardly be anything else. She already knows your name, so you must be in the right place.
GEORGE. What’s it to do with you?
WILLIAM. Nothing. Except that that girl won’t answer any questions, so I’m trying to help.
IRENA. We shouldn’t have come anyway. George is unwell. The instructions said we shouldn’t come if we were unwell.
GEORGE. There’s nothing wrong with me that a couple of paracetamol won’t cure. Just a bit of a headache.
IRENA. Men. They never want to go to the doctor.
RECEPTIONIST. I hope you’re not taking any drugs or medicines, that are on the list we sent you.
GEORGE. Of course not.
RECEPTIONIST. And that you have no skin problems, or that you have recently spent time in hospital?
GEORGE. No. No. I can read. I’m fine.
IRENA. Poppycock.
RECEPTIONIST. So perhaps you’d like to take a seat.
GEORGE and IRENA approach the chairs and see that they will have to sit separately if things stay as they are.
GEORGE. Perhaps someone could move so that we can sit together.
IRENA. Of course someone’ll move.
WILLIAM. I’d move but the only place I could sit would be between those two, and they don’t want to sit next to me.
JANE. For heavens sake! It’s no problem. I’ll move. I don’t mind sitting next to him. He’s only a man.
DOTTY. Well, you go ahead, because I’m not going to sit next to him. I’m going to sit by myself. I’m going to move the seat.
DOTTY stands and attempts to move the seat but is unsuccessful. She sits again.
WILLIAM. Stuck up bitch!
IRENA. You mind your language, young man!
WILLIAM. I’ll speak how I want, you old trout!
GEORGE. Don’t you speak to my wife like that!
JANE. For heaven’s sake! I’ll move now. Then you can sit down.
JANE moves so that she is sitting next to WILLIAM.
GEORGE. Thank you so much, we’re very grateful.
GEORGE and IRENA sit, GEORGE next to JANE, IRENA next to DOTTY.
SILENCE.
The RECEPTIONIST picks up the telephone waits a moment and then speaks.
RECEPTIONIST. Yes sir, they’re all here now… [pause] Whenever you’re ready sir.
GEORGE. Anyone have any ideas what this place is?
IRENA. I told him. You don’t even know what it is, and you’re insisting we go along as if it was something official.
DOTTY. “Bureau” sounds pretty official doesn’t it?
GEORGE. And it was written on official paper, wasn’t it? “Cancel all appointments and ensure that you attend,” it said.
IRENA. That doesn’t make it official, does it? Not really official.
WILLIAM. They never stop telling us, do they? The government. Do This. Do That. Go Here. Go There. I’ve got to jump when they tell me to, if I still want to get my jobseeker’s allowance.
JANE. So you’re a jobseeker?
WILLIAM. Well – I’ve got to admit I don’t do much seeking, as such, you know. But anything to keep the giro rolling in. So I cancelled my important appointment with the landlord of the Welk and Lettuce and here I am.
JANE. [To Dotty] And how about you? What do you do?
DOTTY. Oh. I’m a dancer. I dance.
GEORGE. You must be very fit! Very. I can tell.
The Telephone Rings. The RECEPTIONIST picks it up and listens.
RECEPTIONIST. Yes sir. That’s twenty. Yes that’s fine. I’ll ask. [To the group] Is there anyone here with a body mass index of less than twenty?
DOTTY. Mine’s twenty exactly. I checked it the other day. It used to be less, but what can you do? I have to watch my weight you know. Can’t overdo it. A few peanuts and I put on pounds. There are four calories in every peanut.
WILLIAM. I’ll tell them down at the Welk and Lettuce. They’ll really want to know.
RECEPTIONIST. Just a moment then. [She listens to the phone]. That’s fine Miss Davenport, the Director will … see you now.
The RECEPTIONIST returns the handset to its cradle.
WILLIAM. I was here before her.
RECEPTIONIST. Yes you were, but the Director selects who he wants to … see from the assembled company. On you go Miss Davenport. That door over there.
DOTTY gets up, straightens her clothing and walks to the door, and knocks.
RECEPTIONIST. Please go on in Miss Davenport.
DOTTY disappears from view and almost immediately there is a scream. Suddenly cut off.
JANE. What was that?
RECEPTIONIST. Nothing to worry about. There’s a step just inside the office. She must have tripped over the step. I’m sure the Director managed to catch her.
WILLIAM. I don’t see why she should go first. I was here before her.
GEORGE. I’m sure they’ve got it all organised properly.
The telephone rings and the RECEPTIONIST picks it up.
RECEPTIONIST. Yes sir. Right away, sir.
The RECEPTIONIST returns the handset to its cradle, crosses the room and disappears into the director’s office.
JANE. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
IRENA. So have I. We shouldn’t have come. Some office or other that we’ve never heard of. We should have protested.
JANE. No. More than that. What about the name, ‘Bureau for Environmental, Agricultural and Sustainability Testing’.
GEORGE. What’s wrong with that? It sounds very official.
JANE. Yes, but the acronym. B.E.A.S.T. Beast!
WILLIAM. There’s lots of strange letters which make up funny words.
JANE. And us. What about us? How were we selected? We know that Dotty is a dancer, and you William, you’re a jobseeker. One of the nation’s great unemployed, but [To George] what do you do?
GEORGE. I’m a solicitor’s clerk. I look after the offices and arrange the work. That sort of thing.
JANE. OK. And what about your wife?
GEORGE. She’s a home-maker. She looks after the house.
JANE. I know what a home-maker is. And I’m a physiotherapist. What would you say we have in common?
GEORGE. Nothing.
JANE. Nothing. Exactly. If we all pay our taxes, and we have kept our noses clean, we have no reason to be in any government office.
GEORGE. I’m sure everything is absolutely fine.
WILLIAM. What about our names? We go from A to D.
IRENA. She knew my maiden name. It’s Easton. We go from A to E.
JANE. So we sound like an almost random selection from the phone book.
The RECEPTIONIST re-enters the room keeping her head slightly bowed and away from the seated personnel. She straightens up facing the audience but in front of the other characters and takes off the sunglasses with her left hand. She is seen to be wearing further opaque eye protection beneath the sunglasses (possibly could be achieved with swimming goggles) She smiles and her mouth can be seen to be full of blood. She replaces the sunglasses, dabs her mouth and returns to her desk. Those waiting remain unaware of any change.
RECEPTIONIST. Fine. Fine. Thank you very much. You can all go home now. Goodbye.
JANE. That’s it? Go home, goodbye!
RECEPTIONIST. Yes. Please vacate the premises as soon as possible.
WILLIAM. This is ridiculous. We want our turn. Now. Today. They’ll be missing me at Ladbrokes.
GEORGE. We don’t want to come back tomorrow.
RECEPTIONIST. Ladies and gentlemen. You should go … now. You need not return ever. This is a once only visit. Good luck and thank you for coming.
JANE. But why?
RECEPTIONIST. It depends. Sometimes it’s necessary for several people to be…interviewed. Sometimes only one. It really depends on the director, and of course sometimes he asks me to help out. It depends on his…requirements. But there – I broke the rule. I answered a question. I hope it was helpful.
GEORGE. Yes, well if that’s it we’ll get on our way.
They begin to shuffle off.
IRENA. I wonder that happened to Dotty.
The receptionist stands, moves to the front of the desk, smiles, exposing her fangs to the audience, and stalks off stage right.
CURTAIN.

Production Notes.
For the first performance of the piece the end was slightly altered. It had been intended originally that the alien nature of the receptionist should be obvious to the audience on her return from the director’s office, of course unknown to the other characters, making their protests and enthusiasm to suffer the same fate as Dotty fairly comic.
However, there was not really the time or the expertise to make this work, so we settled for a limited indication with a little Halloween blood, hopefully giving the audience a clue, and went for the vampire fangs at the end. We resorted to having the actors mill in front of the receptionist’s desk to allow her to transform herself, which seemed to work well, so there is a choice of endings.
For Drama Students.
I used a few well known playwriting tricks in this short piece. Mainly I kept the audience waiting on two levels. Firstly they were waiting to find out why the people were waiting, and secondly they were waiting for people to arrive – essentially the play was about waiting. Secondly I included an important character offstage, the Director and thirdly I kept introducing people at regular intervals. The action takes place in Britain and so the characters had to be prompted to talk to each other, which is why the receptionist was not allowed to answer any questions (Apparently the Americans would be much more vocal).
The Characters
William is an uneducated but intelligent man desperate to get to grips with any young woman. They of course see him as a threat, resulting in his unpleasant attitude. I imagined him with a Glasgow accent, but the Northern Irish one is just as good.
Dotty does not have much to say. She is an airhead, but her presence prompts much of the dialogue between the other characters, and she remains important even when she has disappeared into the Director’s office. If her dress in some way corresponds with William’s diatribe so much the better.
Jane is the sensible one, and much of what she does is to provide the audience with information. Even experienced writers sometimes make the error of failing to give the audience or the reader sufficient information. They think what is in their heads is obvious to everyone.
George and Irena emphasise the people waiting have no idea what is happening. They are more preoccupied with bickering with each other than with what they are doing there. George of course is certain that what-ever it is, he has been told to be there and so there he is, ready to obey, certain that all is well. Irena has no qualms about putting her husband down in public, but she has no career (if we accept that being a home-maker is not a career) and it is possible that she only exists within the context of her married situation.
The Receptionist I imagined as being just like virtually all receptionists everywhere. They are mostly attractive and completely neutral. They are used to fending off questions and leaving visitors to be dealt with by others. Even though I had not even thought of it, William essentially kept his distance from her, except for calling her “that girl” once. Some times one’s characters just have a life of their own.